Motivation vs Fear

Yesterday, I posted about how I have been unable to finish anything that I’ve started.  A comment was left about the subject

Some of us need more motivation to finish things than others…when we have it, it gets done. It’s okay when one path doesn’t lead us to the end, and we turn off to choose another. Sometimes it’s just a matter of timing, and when it’s right we find our way back. We can do it all. Just not all at once.

There are times when I realize that I don’t finish a project due to lack of motivation.  A good example of this is when I’ve begun a photography project.  In particular, there’s a website called “Flickr” that’s dedicated to people posting their pictures, and forming ties and having social interactions with other people who like to take and post pictures.  There are a number of groups within Flickr that host various projects; 365DayProject, 52WeekProject, FenceFridays, BenchTuesdays….that kind of thing.  I’ve attempted to start and complete a 365DayProject and a 52WeekProject on several occasions.  With these, I do lose motivation.  I find myself uninspired or simply bored and not in the mood.  These types non-completions don’t bother me.  The big ones do.

I’ve given a lot of thought over the past few months as to why I haven’t stayed in college the various times I’ve started, or why I didn’t finish the massage therapy course that I dished money out for, or the real estate course, or any of the other classes/courses that I’ve paid for.  I haven’t, because I’m petrified of failure and of anyone realizing that I’m worthless and not smart and not capable of accomplishing anything.

I KNOW that I’m smart, I KNOW that I’m capable of accomplishing anything that I set my mind to, but my smaller self, the voices inside that have been murmuring in the background since childhood are stronger than I am.  The sense of not being deserving of good things through hard work is strong in me too.  I also fear what would happen after I had a degree, or a certificate, or a license.  If I don’t achieve these things, then, I don’t risk failing if I don’t succeed.   See that nuttiness?

It’s aggravating to realize, but, I guess it’s better to come to these conclusions now, and put them out there for the world to see, than to keep them inside and simply go on as though everything was fine.

Today is day 2 of my commitment to write every day.

Here’s to tomorrow being day 3.

A2

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