I’ve realized that I tend not to write when things are going well. My muse seems to be tied up in anger, sadness and sometimes despair. Well, here’s to breaking that cycle.
Life right now is just about perfect. I say “just about” because there are little dark spots that stop it from being all the way perfect, but I can’t imagine that there’s a single human who can boast of perfection.
The week after my last entry, I did go see my doctor. After talking to her for a bit, and going over my past history, she agreed that I could probably use some help. She prescribed an anti-depressant, and gave me an anti-anxiety prescription too. I know that the anti-depressant’s made a big difference, but the game changer was the anti-anxiety help. I had not realized quite how crippling my attacks were, until I was able to harness them. Now, just knowing that I have the pills has curbed some of the attacks, but when I feel a doozy coming on, I can contain it within minutes, and that has just been a lifesaver. I’m doing my job more effectively, I’m communicating with my husband better, and, I’m dealing with emotional blows in a way that allows me to observe them remotely and not let them overpower me. This is not to say that I’m popping pills every ten seconds! I tackle one, maybe two attacks per week, but the almond effect stays with me for some time, although I imagine the anti-depressants play a part too in my new found ability to cope.
What I haven’t been able to fully master yet, is a good night’s sleep. Working on it though.
One of the aspects of my life that’s become quite clear the past few months, is my inability to finish anything I start. I’m a chronic “quitter”. I always have been. Art projects; quit them. Photography projects; quit them. Writing; quit it. College; quit it. Massage certification; incomplete. Real estate class; incomplete. Sign language class; incomplete. I can’t think of a single thing in my life that I’ve “completed”; including raising my kids. I managed to not finish that either. When I realized this a few weeks ago, it knocked me over pretty hard. Realizing one’s failures so starkly was not fun. It was pretty devastating actually.
I realized though that I had a couple of choices. I could continue not finishing anything, or, I could change the pattern.
For starters, I’m going to commit to writing every day. Even if it’s only one word, that one word will get written. In this writing, I want to focus on figuring out what it is that I want to “finish”. Do I want to go to school and learn a new trade? Do I want to dip back into photography and actually do something with it? Do I want to commit to learning how to use my sewing machine?
This was Day 1.
Oh, and below is a picture of my cool fire in my fire pit. 🙂