Wow. It’s been quite tome time since I’ve written. Don’t even know where to begin.
For now, I’ll just bullet-point the last few months:
- Feelings at work began to deteriorate quickly. I wasn’t doing enough, being allowed to do enough, and emotions began running high.
- I went to Ohio in August to see my granddaughter.
- I was asked to go to Germany to attend a trade-show for County. I did. I was hit strongly by how much I missed having someone put their trust in me, and allow me to do what I do best. Fix things. Make things better. Coordinate things. Manage things.
- I went back to work full-time at County in October.
- My son, D, is back in my life. *insert huge heart-swell here*
- I ran a 10K race across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge
So much more in between those bullets, but those will be enough to remind me of these last few months and what my life was like.
I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed seeing words appear on the screen as my fingers fly across the keyboard. The tactile feeling of the buttons pressing down, the soft “clickety-clack” as letters join to form words to create sentences to transform my thoughts into tangible entities. I’ve been writing in my head a lot, and I keep wishing that there was some device that could take thoughts and through energy commit them electronically on a screen this way. I imagine someday that will be possible.
Instead of telling myself “You will write every day” and then not following through with that, and feeling like a total loser for it, I’m simply going to remind myself that this venue is here anytime I want to log in and jot things down. I don’t have to wait for some earth shattering emotion to hit me, or for some fantastic or depressing event to happen. I can write for the sake of writing. To simply describe a day, or comment on a current event. That’s all.
I read this great piece today; “How to ruin your life without noticing” and it really hit home. Spending time not feeling good enough, or feeling like you’re not contributing enough or being acknowledged enough. It’s there all the time. I imagine that a lot of these feelings stem from the 24/7 access we have to all the great things that others are doing through social media and a television cycle that never ends. The lesson I’d like to learn and practice the most is the one where I am happy exactly how I am, with who I am, and I don’t feel the need to flit from one thing to another trying to be awesome at each one and failing miserably at all.
The need to create is something that is a constant through it all, but my problem is that I try to create in too many different ways and don’t focus on one. I want to photograph, draw, paint, knit, sew, mosaic, paper mache, colour, ink, cook, etc. etc. Every day, it’s something different and every day I feel like a giant failure because someone else I know is creating in a way that I won’t ever achieve; but I can’t achieve any of it if I don’t focus on one thing. So then, the question becomes; what’s the one thing I want to focus on?
Now….I read back at the last paragraph, and I think “You’re so vain! You’re worried about what kind of ‘art’ you should do, and there are people dying right now. Refugees fleeing their homes with nothing to their name. Men, women, children getting shot in mass shootings. Friends dying of cancer…and you’re worried about art”.
I want to ‘feel’ everything, and then, I withdraw because feeling everything is overwhelming and I end up feeling nothing.
Can’t imagine I’m alone in this. Would love to find someone to talk to.