Finding My Groove

It’s been a month since I last wrote.

As a follow-up to my last post; everything went great! My friend was happy, her guests were happy, all was as it should be.  So there.

My new life has begun to settle some. I’m balancing working for my old job, with dog walking, with home life, with married life.  It was a bit rough for a while, but as time has gone by I’ve managed to settle into a routine that so far, is working well.

It’s still a little strange not to get up every morning and work towards driving 40 minutes to an office, spending 8 hours sitting on my ass, and then driving 40 minutes home.  I’m still on a ‘high’ from not having to do that.  My days start just as early as they did, and I’m working longer hours than I did, and I’m dead tired by the time the evening rolls around, but at no time has the thought “I miss my old life” entered my mind.  Not even slightly.  I love the fluidity of my day, how it can change from one minute to the next.  I love spending my first few hours on the computer and the bulk of my day in the company of dogs.

Now, my challenge is to overcome the fear of rejection.  I need to build up our business in certain areas, and in order to do that, I need to physically get in front of property managers, pet store employees, and veterinary staff.  I have found myself almost paralyzed with fear at the prospect of doing this, yet I know I have to keep doing it, and I need to do it well.  I’m taking this one step at a time, and I know that when I begin to reap the benefits of the exercise, I’ll feel more confident and better about it.  It’s not easy though.  I’m not big on waiting for results, so the other good lesson in all of this is getting me to be more patient.  Forcing me to be more patient.

Over the past month I’ve also begun to make some big changes in how I treat my body.  I’ve decided that dieting is not the answer for me.  Instead, I’ve begun being a lot more conscious of what I eat, and when I eat.  Healthy food.  Only eat when I’m hungry.  In conjunction with an average of 4 to 5 miles per day of walking, I’ve managed to lose close to 10 lbs in the past 4 weeks.  Not bad.  I’m trying not to focus on the weight loss part of it, but I must confess that I’m pretty obsessed over it.  I want to be more focused on continuing to take actions towards being healthy, and just letting the rest fall into place.  For now, I’ll take the 10lbs and I’ll take the lighter and stronger feeling that I have.

I haven’t heard a single word from either one of my son’s.  I know that J didn’t make it through boot camp in the Navy.  That made me sad.  What made me even sadder was learning of the lies and delusions his father concocted while he was in boot camp, and as the reason why he left boot camp.  All I want for my son is for him to find a sense of worth, and to find in himself the spark of yearning, of wanting to do better for himself.  I want him to not be like his father.

I’ll keep hoping for that, and for him and his brother to want to reach out to me.


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