Tonight’s musings come to be out of fear. A few weeks ago, I talked about ‘gremlins’; mental gremlins, emotional gremlins. They are insidious little fuckers. Doesn’t matter if my rational brain shouts from the rooftops “You are capable!” the whispers and susurrations in my brain are louder.
I was asked on Thursday if I could help with providing breakfast and lunch for 5 people attending a meeting at the Engineer’s Club in Baltimore. The person who asked me is someone that I look up to, and admire. She also happens to be a kind and sweet person. I agreed to help, and promptly began planning. A few wrenches were thrown in my path, but despite them, I had both meals planned and sketched out by Saturday morning. Providing the food will entail gathering foods from two separate venues and driving downtown to deliver everything. I bought all the extraneous things I needed, and have all the details arranged.
It’s all set. It’s all taken care of, it just needs to be executed.
I’m petrified. My stomach’s in knots and has been all day. I don’t have a failure scenario playing in my mind. I can’t think of what could go wrong, but even so, the voices are squiggling around my head and telling me that I’ll screw it up and my friend will think I’m an idiot, and never ask me to help with anything again.
I’m not so much bothered by the insecurity that I’m feeling. What really bothers me is knowing that I was not built up, raised, to be a secure person. For my entire adult life, I’ve had bosses, peers, friends, even strangers, tell me that I am competent, smart, able. I get things done. I resolve problems. I negotiate troubled relationships between people. I find solutions. Overall, I’m good at just about anything I set my mind to trying. I know this. Rationally, I know this. So why does my subconscious sabotage my true self and turn me into someone I’m not? Why does the child in me still rule my emotions? Why does she not realize that no one can minimize her anymore? Or make her feel worthless, or un-intelligent?
My adult self needs to make amends with that child, and let her heal.
This is part of my healing. Writing stuff down and working through it.
Tomorrow will go just fine. I’ll pick up food where it needs to be picked up. I’ll battle traffic into town. I’ll fight for a parking spot. Shit, I’ll even parallel park! I’ll deliver all the food. I’ll set it up. I’ll make sure that nothing is missing, and if something is….I’ll get it.
My friend will be happy with what I provide. She won’t have to worry about feeding her meeting attendees and will be able to focus on her goals for the day. The food will be enjoyed, and the establishments from where I’m procuring the food will be receive accolades.
That’s, how tomorrow morning is going to play out.
The rest of my day will just be gravy.
Tomorrow, will be exactly as it should be.