Seems like months ago since my last entry, but it was just a few short days ago. I’ll confess and say that I feel very uninspired as I sit and type tonight. I’m following through with my resolution to keep up with this, along with some other resolutions that I’m finding myself actually making good on. So far, 2015’s been pretty a-okay.
1. I did it. I sent my resignation on Friday. I went into the office expecting S to be there, and I’d planned on letter her know before I sent the letter off to G. S wasn’t in though, and I felt bad not giving her a heads-up on what my plans were.
I felt a moment of sheer panic after I hit the ‘send’ button and saw my words be swept away into the digital world, where they became irretrievable. This made the act final. There weren’t any take-backs.
This morning, I had a reply from G. He accepted my resignation, and also my proposal to continue working on a contractual basis. We still need to work out the details, but I’m fairly confident that this new set-up will provide me with the ability to make a good base salary through my current company, while allow me to pursue working for FDA on a full-time basis. I’m envisioning being better off financially, and more than anything, being happier.
2. An unspoken resolution of mine has been to be more forthcoming, and honest, and clearer with people. An opportune time came up yesterday, when one of my photography friends asked me if he could do some portraits of me and the dogs. Normally, the question would have made me very uncomfortable (which it did) and I would have simply ignored the request. I would have felt guilty about not responding to my friend, but that would have felt easier than saying “no”. Instead, I send him a note back thanking him for thinking of me, and telling him honestly that I was not comfortable being on the other end of the camera. He understood. I could have taken it a step further and been fully honest and told him that I feel like a giant beached whale and the thought of having any picture of me out there that exposed how I look was mortifying.
So two things so far this year. Two pretty big things. The second may not seem like much, but for me, it really was. I don’t say “no” easily. To anything. Instead, I’ll say ‘yes’ to things, and then back-out on commitments at the last minute with some lame excuse, or I’ll fulfill whatever task was requested and feel resentful towards the person who asked. I am committed to staying on the path of honesty and honouring myself by saying “no” once in a while.
I was wanting to share a poem tonight, and whenever I decide on wanting to think about something specific, my brain goes into complete melt-down mode and not only can I not think of anything in particular, I seem to cease to be able to think at all. It’s infuriating. Brain betrayal. It happens a lot too. One of the reasons for my wanting to being writing on (fairly) regular basis, is to try to reverse this pattern of brain strike that seems to occur.
Back to the poem. Here’s one by Shel Silverstein.
“If you are a dreamer come in
If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar
A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer
If you’re a pretender com sit by my fire
For we have some flax golden tales to spin
So, with that said, here are a few pictures that I’ve taken with my new 50mm lens. I’m pretty excited about it. And ‘yes’, that’s me in the first picture. It’s a picture I’m actually pretty ‘ok’ with.