I’m not sure if it’s a mark of adulthood and maturity, or simply a matter of finally having become the person I always was inside. I’m sitting in my back yard; surrounded by the sounds of birds, frogs, the dull roar of traffic from the highway, the faraway occasional sound of sirens, a soft breeze blowing, and I can still feel the warmth of the sun filtering through the leaves in the trees above me. I’m in heaven. Quite literally. I want for nothing. The cat’s laying on the bench a few feet away, the dog’s in the house with my husband, and he’s in his office with the window open so I can call out to him if I need anything. It’s heaven.
This is what I always imagined life would be like. This is what I always wanted.
Yet, there are moments when I see what someone else has, or the life that someone else leads, I find myself hit by an intense wave of jealousy. It’s usually quick, severe, and fast to retreat….but it happens, and I hate it. I detest that moment of envy that for a second blinds me to all the goodness and richness in my own life. For that split second, I want to be that other person, and then…I realize how I really don’t. I don’t want anyone else’s life, and experience has taught me again and again that while other’s may ‘seem’ to be having ‘better’ lives than mine, it’s more often than not turned out that it’s not the case. Husband’s cheat, eating disorders are present, children are hell, jobs are degrading, debt is great, or a myriad of other circumstances are hovering in the background.
My life is not 100% perfect, but it’s pretty damn close. Outside of wanting a closer relationship with my sons, my life is perfect. Even with a job that I hate, my life is perfect. I have everything that I ever wanted, and now, I can add a new career path to the idealness of my existence.
So, I think I’ll just close my eyes for a few minutes, and enjoy the whisper of wind on my skin and the melody being chirped out across the yard. I’ll enjoy the slight soreness in my muscles from having planted vegetables this afternoon, and dug holes to plant a hollyhock, and a hyacinth bush. I’ll savour the fullness of my belly remembering the sweet taste of the steamed shrimp I made, and I’ll recall the scent of jasmine from the iced tea I brewed earlier today.
Life is good.