It’s every parents wish that this kid not make the same mistakes they did. I find myself
telling this to my child often, and I also find my child making the same mistakes I made despite my warnings. It’s so frustrating when they don’t listen. I get it though, I truly do. We each need to make our own mistakes, forge our own paths, own our own mistakes.
The kid’s bright. Oh so bright. Funny too. When he’s not busy acting like he’s big and tough, he’s so soft hearted. But like me, he’s broken. I see him engaging in the exact same self-destructive behaviors that I did; drinking, partying, being promiscuous, and the worst of all, devaluing himself by sinking to the lowest denominator instead of striving to rise to the top. He shows this disdain for anything intellectual. He finds people who are book-smart or brainy not worthy of his company or time. He chooses instead to be with people who lack education, culture or any worldliness. He’d hate to read this, and he’d accuse me of being just like those he so despises.
I get it though. I did the same. I had so much shame at not having gone to college after high school, that I didn’t feel I deserved to be around college-types. My crowd of choice were the druggies, the drinkers, the slackers…I didn’t feel I deserved any better. I didn’t feel that anyone of worth, would find me worthy. I marries a man that was a world away from me intellectually, and it was horrible. No one who knew both of us, and who was friends with me, ever understood why I was with him. Shame and fear.
Letting go of that mantle, and tossing it out the window has been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Settling into my own skin, and letting myself be who I’m supposed to be; exhilarating. It’s taken some getting used to though. It’s easy to let my brain try to deceive me into thinking that I should still be drinking Bud Light, watching Nascar for fun, and listening to the ex and his friends banter the word “nigger” around.
My son will come through too. I have no doubt he’ll grow into settling into his own skin as well. I wish my child an easy path as he finds the man he’s meant to be.