Last night I threw on some leggings and a big sweater to meet my co-worker for dinner. I felt good. I’ve been over-eating the past few days, but I had gone to the gym and put in a good work-out. I felt good. Alive. Energized. I slide on these leggings and sweater and look in the mirror.
Ghastly! That’s how I look. My knees are so fat, and ugly and just fat and ugly. Urgh. Seeing them causes an immediate sense of utter disgust. This spreads to other parts of me. My thighs, my calves, my arms, my face….Not a single positive thing to see in myself. The nasty words start pouring into my brain. The usual messages and all the weight they carry with them.
My knees have always set me off. Since I was a little girl. Not sure why the focus on them in particular, but there’s no recollection of the ‘knees’ ever not being a self-image issue. My knee caps are hidden by fat, there’s no discernible ‘knee’. Having these knees has always taken away from anything else positive that may be attributed to the lower half of my body.
Here I was, staring at myself and feeling all this negative force washing over me. I reached into my mind though, and thought about part of the conversation I’d had with Dr. Paul last week. The part of the conversation about compassion. Instead of allowing the negative thoughts to pervade my mind, I began to be kind to my knees. My knees are part of me, part of the greater being. They’re strong knees. They’ve suffered a lot of abuse through the years, and yet, they keep working for me. They allow me to walk with ease, and over the past 7 months they’ve allowed me to run. They don’t always work optimally, but they have always been there for me. So what if they’re not skinny? So what if they’re not muscular? So what? They’re my knees, and if I love them for who they are…well, then that’s all that matters right?
So instead of hating my knees, I’m going to love them. I’m going to accept them just as they are. I’m not going to berate them for not looking the way I want them to look. I’m not going to compare them to the knees of others. I’m going to let them continue doing what they do best; keep me upright, and I’ll continue working towards making them stronger inside. If that never affects how they look on the outside, well, so be it.
I have fat knees. So what?